“Jesus Christ is relentlessly given to our perfection. He knows that wherever we settle spiritually will be far short of His provision. He also knows that the more we are transformed into His image, the less vulnerable we are to the evils of this world. Thus, He compels us toward difficulties, for they compel us toward God, and God compels us toward change. And it is the transformed heart which finds the place of immunity.” Francis Frangipane
Let’s be honest. Sometimes I am not interested in His perfection, which by the way, is maturity. Sometimes I want to set down at the table and eat alone, in quiet. Right now I am tired, worn raw and tested in too many areas at once!
I hit a wall when a lovely family we adore back in Tennessee needed a place for a few weeks. We have a nearly empty house with plenty of space. We were pleased to let them use it and Theresa was game for company. They sent an absolutely knock-down beautiful response to our offer and I just lost it!! First I was humbled and gratified, but then I was angry. ‘Why am I not there to greet them and hostess them in my own home. Instead I’m out of my comfort zone in ALL areas of life.’
I have this really nice home, God set that up. I have a calling on my life, God set that up! I absolutely DO NOT want to retire from life. I have been in the desert for most of my existence. When others were sitting under the best teaching, worship, fellowship in America, I was slogging it out with Holy Spirit in some itty bitty congregations and home groups. God chose that for me too! SO I am hauling suitcases of stuff. Seems like little but it’s a lot when traveling with 8 other people across Israel again and again. Do you know I dislike travel? I love staying home.
I grew up in the high desert far away from anywhere – 2 hours over primitive country and two mountain ranges just to get to the next town – a good 8 hour drive to any metropolitan area or other family…all my growing up years! I’d rather just stay home!
So we have this amazing 9 passenger van. It holds each and every one of us, tightly. Just believe me when I say it’s a true God miracle in this land. And we got it for a song!!! But I am so uncomfortable in it. The traffic is so out of my realm of comfort I choose to set facing the back rather than subject my emotional stability to the near death experience of everyday driving in Israel.
Could it be God that allows the seats to face backward? So grateful!
Now I have a back issue (pain, discomfort). Oh I forgot, I am teetering on the brink of 60 y.o. and believe you me, my body tells me about it some days! I attempted to follow in the physical fitness plan of a much younger woman and nearly crippled myself. I was willing but the body just isn’t going there without a miraculous reduction in years on this model. Sheesh! Anyway, the van, the seating, the traffic and I’m in knots for days.
I’m a pretty good cook and keeper of house and home stuff. For the last 3 months my ideas are pretty much not how this family swings. They are not wrong or right, they are just different from the folks I’m traveling with. So I stay pretty quiet about me, and ask what they prefer. Sounds like a good idea!
I do not speak the language (at all). I cannot remember or hear the subtle, in the back of your throat sounds, of the Hebrew language and I get exasperated by 5, 7, 8 and 10 y.o. kids correcting my attempts. Maybe pride. I enjoy singing with the phonetic spelling in Hebrew, but even then they do not pronounce our consonants and vowels like we do.
We have worked to harmonize our lifestyles. It takes work. We definitely have different ideas about time. Staying up late is a stretch for us. Literally every person in the group wants momma’s time, me too. She’s an extremely capable person, can keep the plates of everyone in half a block spinning and still be on the phone. She needs to, she speaks the language and arranges literally all the connections and visits we make. She also does most of the talking when we are seeing someone.
Kids, you know them, they dislike most foods I enjoy. They have lived out of suit cases for some time now and are comfortable that way. Actually, I’m pretty certain they would like a place to call their own, but they are content (Most of the time)to be living face to face with their parents and siblings!
Their parents are skillful at keeping them engaged, entertained and educated and they have a LOT of fun! I have learned to keep the in-between moments engaged in games, conversation, cooking, reading to them, etc. They are ALL very verbal and sound like a flock of magpies when anything is happening. I have begun to dislike my own name lately. “Pam, Pam, Pam…!”. It has that ‘Mom, Mom, Mom.. .!” ring to it!
I greatly enjoy these people on a regular basis. The kids are a hoot and we laugh a lot! They can be so distracted I am worn out just getting them lined up to do anything (They do not line up). All we have to do to lose their attention is say, “We are leaving in 5, 20, 30 minutes!” And they scatter like cats! They begin playing 20 questions, that is per person per second and start a food project or cleaning service or take a nap!
I really love them so, with all their individual ways of being them! They laughingly say they needed a Mary Poppins to help them…well I feel like Captain Von Trapp. I’d have them answering to a whistle IF I were in charge. I am NOT in charge, never was, never planned on being!
After 3 months I’m feeling this mission trip is over extended and I’m hanker-en for home. But what’s home? Now Tennessee is hot and humid. I do not do humidity well. Not now, not never! But that’s where my home and family is! Really, I feel like Paul; I’d sure like to be living in Glory, looking down from an elevated position, but it seems He prefers I stay around in this body.
Now that I’ve complained and moaned…
I’m so glad God called me and put His hand on my hidden Eastern Oregon desert life to drag me across the world. Steve loves to tease me about my globetrotting. Sunday we will get to Crete for a few days in order to renew our visa and continue on in Israel.
The ‘Footsteps’ poem is a comfort to me, except it feels like He’s dragging me by the collar, face down through every sand dune from the Oregon coast to the Mediterranean. Maybe if I could successfully get my anchor up, I’d fly. In the meantime, I’m spitting sand from my teeth and grinning into the wind.
Here is the biggest thing:
I just can’t give up when I see an empty place at the banquet table.
Psalm 23:5 says, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”
I’m always looking around to fill the table. Come my new Jewish friends and sit with me.
Pam Johnson
Pam and Liam